Switching Gears

I feel like a chapter in my life is coming to a close.  It's the whole get huge, no sleep, and have babies chapter.  I've wrestled a lot with the option of having a third baby, but have decided that I think I'm ready to move on.  I think.  I like the thought of being able to travel and do more with two kids (more money), the scales are balanced with parents vs. kids, I love feeling great again and like my own person.  I desperately want to get back into school and finish that up.  I think I did things a little backwards, with kids first and school after.  But I always thought that my brain would stay healthier longer than my eggs would-hopefully!  School in San Diego is so much cheaper than going to school here, so I'd like to start a nursing program in the fall of 2014. 

But there's honestly a little bit of a nagging feeling that maybe I'm not done.  Is that a good enough reason to have a third?  There probably isn't a good reason for having a third.  I found this website called havingthreekids.com that I think is hilarious and very well written and exactly where I'm at right now. 

Michael and I feel like it's now or never, sink or swim, and I just don't know what to do.  Of course he says whatever I want is fine with him, but he would be fine with having two.  Great- so now our family's whole future rests on me.  Not a good idea. 

Trying to Lose It

Trying to lose this baby, er, well, pizza?, ice cream? junk food?, weight.  My husband and I have been on and off the Primal Diet.  We read the book "The Primal Blueprint" by Mark Sisson- check out marksdailyapple.com.  It's good stuff.  Seems like it makes sense and I feel like when I do follow the principles, my body thanks me by getting rid of the extra me I have carrying around.  And I feel tons better.  It seems like I always blame my weight gain on hormones, or stress, or whatever, but really, those things will always be around and as long as I use those as excuses to eat junk- (mostly processed carbs and sugars), I will never get to where I want to be physically. 

So Michael and I weighed ourselves this past Wednesday, after eating nasty burritos on Tuesday night, knowing we were ready for a change.  It's so much easier doing it together.  It's really hard to be "good" or healthy when the person next to you could care less and is scarfing down some delicious looking nast.  Of course we want to be balanced, but we also need to lose some pounds, and change the way we eat- for good.  Because if we don't, we'll just yo-yo constantly and always end up undoing all our hard work.  And that's sad. 

We did this initially in August, and by 2 and a half weeks in, I had lost 11 lbs.  Woohoo!  Then hormones, stress, and whatever, kicked in, and I pretty much gained it all back.  Not all of it, but enough of it to be like- Dang it!  Well I weighed myself yesterday and I had already lost 5 lbs!  All water weight I'm sure, but it's super encouraging.  About 15 more to go.  Then comes the maintaining.  Which seems to be the really tricky part for me.  Anyone have any good advice about maintaing their weight loss?  Will it always be such a conscientious effort?  Oh to have a super high metabolism... or to be on speed :).  Just kidding!!

Breastfeeding Part Two

Perhaps I should clear a few things up.  I really am truly thankful for formula and I'm not currently living in angst about my decision to not breastfeed.  I believe I have let go and moved on.  I guess I was sort of reliving all my emotions and thoughts on the subject.  I was trying to share my story in hopes of other moms sharing their personal stories.  My intent was really to gain other people's perspectives, not for people to think that I'm sending out a cry for help- although with a title like "Breastfeeding- Help!" I can definitely see how it can be perceived that way :).  Obviously, that was my bad.  I should have written "Breastfeeding- Help I Want Your Input on Breastfeeding in General, Not Just How You Feel About My Breastfeeding!" :) lol  Just wanted to clear up my intentions. 

And thanks to Erin who did post her breastfeeding experience! :)- and she also posted about a website called fearlessformulafeeder.com that I checked out and thought it was great.  I do believe that moms need to be happy and to try to enjoy their babies as much as possible- and whatever ways to that end I believe is completely justified.  I was just talking to my mom today about moms before the invention of formula. I said how hard it must have been on them to just have toughed it out.  They didn't have a choice- either their baby was going to be fed and live, or not be fed and die.  I suppose a strong, motherly instinct would've pushed past hardship with breastfeeding in order to keep their babies alive.  But then my mom and I remembered that women used wet nurses to get rest and a break. They often grew up in communities that were tight-knit, with families close by to give help. They most likely watched moms, aunts, and cousins and whoever else breastfeed their babies.  I grew up not seeing a single person breastfeed (that I can remember).  If I had lived before the invention of formula I would have hopefully kept my children alive and pushed through my frustrations, but not without the help of lots of other lactating women and probably lots more alcohol! :)  Anyways, I find these subjects that are unique to women very intriguing and I love discussion and sharing opinions.

Forgive me for my unclearness on the matter.

It's tradition.

I love family traditions.  I love the sense of identity and security they bring.  I fondly look back on the family traditions we had growing up, especially around the holidays.  We looked at Christmas lights in various neighborhoods on Christmas Eve while eating ice cream. We baked cookies.  My grandma always gave us Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve.  Christmas Eve church services.  All of us decorating the Christmas tree, listening to Christmas music.  Another one I can remember- not holiday related- is that every year on the last day of school, my parents bought a DQ ice cream cake to celebrate another school year done and the start of summer.    Also, Friday nights were pizza and movie nights.  I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now.  These traditions were so simple and easy, but the important thing to me- and what makes it tradition- is that they were consistent and I so looked forward to them.

It's fun as a new parent to think of all the traditions you can create- silly, crazy, new ones, or ones that are nostalgic to you from childhood.  Traditions we have started: Steak on Thanksgiving- this is our 3rd year for this and I love not having to deal with a huge bird and an animal cavity.  Decorating the tree and house for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day- looking forward to this tonight.  This year on the night before Ethan's birthday I wanted to make a birthday tree- and put his presents under that and then decorate a little tree with small gifts or something.  Michael told me it was weird, and I also didn't have a tree on hand, but I'm still considering it for next year. :)  I'm most interested in creating a few unusual and silly traditions for each holiday. 

I found this website that talks about having a close-knit family- I thought it had some good tips.
http://www.parenting.com/article/8-secrets-of-happy-families

What are your favorite family traditions?  What ones are you creating now for your family?

And Happy Thanksgiving!

Breastfeeding

I'm just going to come out and say it.  I hate breastfeeding.  Which is why I quit.  Let me rephrase, I hated breastfeeding when it wasn't going well, which seemed to be most of the time, but I did like it when it was easy.  I have had loads of guilt, confusion, and lots of other feelings about this topic.  My quick stories: Ethan- exclusively breastfed for the first month; dealt with terrible reflux, tongue-tie, and yeast everywhere! I then pumped exclusively until he was 3 months- getting up every 3 hours at night to pump.  I was dedicated.  And maybe a little crazy.  Anyways, I introduced formula at 3 months and then continued to pump until he was 9 months.  I am proud of the fact that I pumped that long. 

I was super determined to breastfeed Violet exclusively.  I felt like I knew what I was doing now, like everything was going to go great and and nothing would stand in our way.  I exclusively breastfed her for 6 weeks, pumped for a few more, then gave up.  Why? Well, the biggest frustration was her on and off behavior.  This girl had to be super relaxed- like barely awake- in order to just latch on and stay there and eat.  Our night-time feedings were our best, and the ones that I loved the most.  But from 7AM until 11PM she would just be fussy and on and off constantly.  Ripping off of the nipple and all that, and constant relatching.  She also had reflux and has an upper labial tie that I discovered (her upper lip wouldn't flange on its own, so I'd always try and flip it out, but then she'd get mad at me).  I was trying to make it until 6 months, but I couldn't get past that 6 week growth spurt.  I consulted lactation consultants, they only made me feel worse.  My friends all told me they just put their babies on and the babies ate.  I started saying everyday that I hated breastfeeding and I would rather be in labor than be doing this.  I tried to just take it one feed at a time, one moment at a time, but I was so overwhelmed.  I couldn't believe that this was happening again.  I was well read on this subject, had friends that breastfed, took classes, but it was deteriorating- again.  Soon I began to wonder if one could be happy and breastfeed at the same time. And I guess I concluded that no, I could not.

I have done lots of reflecting, shed lots of tears, I even tried to relactate.  I started taking about 160 mg of domperidone a day, drinking the Mother's Milk tea, and pumping every 2 to 3 hours to regain somewhat of a milk supply when she was 4 months old.  I felt like I was trying to start over.  And I felt good about that.  I did that for a little over a month.  Then I was too tired to try anymore.  I feel somewhat at peace about that now, although I do wish still that I had stuck with breastfeeding for different reasons.  So moms who are breastfeeding and have ever breastfed- what do you consider to be your main motivators for keeping on, or for quitting?  How do you view breastfeeding?  What feelings do you have about your breastfeeding relationship(s)?  What encouragement would you offer moms who are struggling?  I came across this website recently that I thought was great: http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/breast/successsecrets.htm

Being a Mom is Hard!!

Okay, maybe that just relieved some pressure off of you.  Saying that to myself definitely feels validating.  About myself: I don't have it all together, I am not perfect, not very balanced sometimes, trying not to be stuck in my ways, learning to see grey instead of black and white, and always striving to be my best, even when I fall short. 

So back to being a mom- I love it and sometimes I don't like it.  I love the snuggling and kissing and laughing and playing. But what makes it hard is the sleeplessness, the "parenting" part sucks (when my son went from 2 to 3 I was pretty sure that the demon on his shoulder was about 20 times bigger than the angel on the other), the cleaning (okay the exxxtra cleaning), the crying just rips your heart out and also makes you want to bang your head against a wall, the whole trying to get a child-to-sleep process should require at least an associates degree.  I do want to be real.  And honest.  I love my children with my whole heart.  But being a mom is hard!!!!

Question/Input: What has been the hardest thing for you about being a mom?  Do you think it is helpful to share these struggles with each other?