Breastfeeding

I'm just going to come out and say it.  I hate breastfeeding.  Which is why I quit.  Let me rephrase, I hated breastfeeding when it wasn't going well, which seemed to be most of the time, but I did like it when it was easy.  I have had loads of guilt, confusion, and lots of other feelings about this topic.  My quick stories: Ethan- exclusively breastfed for the first month; dealt with terrible reflux, tongue-tie, and yeast everywhere! I then pumped exclusively until he was 3 months- getting up every 3 hours at night to pump.  I was dedicated.  And maybe a little crazy.  Anyways, I introduced formula at 3 months and then continued to pump until he was 9 months.  I am proud of the fact that I pumped that long. 

I was super determined to breastfeed Violet exclusively.  I felt like I knew what I was doing now, like everything was going to go great and and nothing would stand in our way.  I exclusively breastfed her for 6 weeks, pumped for a few more, then gave up.  Why? Well, the biggest frustration was her on and off behavior.  This girl had to be super relaxed- like barely awake- in order to just latch on and stay there and eat.  Our night-time feedings were our best, and the ones that I loved the most.  But from 7AM until 11PM she would just be fussy and on and off constantly.  Ripping off of the nipple and all that, and constant relatching.  She also had reflux and has an upper labial tie that I discovered (her upper lip wouldn't flange on its own, so I'd always try and flip it out, but then she'd get mad at me).  I was trying to make it until 6 months, but I couldn't get past that 6 week growth spurt.  I consulted lactation consultants, they only made me feel worse.  My friends all told me they just put their babies on and the babies ate.  I started saying everyday that I hated breastfeeding and I would rather be in labor than be doing this.  I tried to just take it one feed at a time, one moment at a time, but I was so overwhelmed.  I couldn't believe that this was happening again.  I was well read on this subject, had friends that breastfed, took classes, but it was deteriorating- again.  Soon I began to wonder if one could be happy and breastfeed at the same time. And I guess I concluded that no, I could not.

I have done lots of reflecting, shed lots of tears, I even tried to relactate.  I started taking about 160 mg of domperidone a day, drinking the Mother's Milk tea, and pumping every 2 to 3 hours to regain somewhat of a milk supply when she was 4 months old.  I felt like I was trying to start over.  And I felt good about that.  I did that for a little over a month.  Then I was too tired to try anymore.  I feel somewhat at peace about that now, although I do wish still that I had stuck with breastfeeding for different reasons.  So moms who are breastfeeding and have ever breastfed- what do you consider to be your main motivators for keeping on, or for quitting?  How do you view breastfeeding?  What feelings do you have about your breastfeeding relationship(s)?  What encouragement would you offer moms who are struggling?  I came across this website recently that I thought was great: http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/breast/successsecrets.htm